


A Way to You Again

by A_Tale_of_Two_Comics



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers Tower, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Fluff, Bucky Barnes and the 21st Century, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Feels, Fluff, Modern Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Smut, bucky barnes smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-09-27 14:55:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10026809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Tale_of_Two_Comics/pseuds/A_Tale_of_Two_Comics
Summary: Bucky and Y/N have been fairly successful at keeping their relationship hidden from the rest of the Avengers. That is… until Nat walks into the kitchen one night and finds Bucky kissing Y/N. While Y/N is relieved that their relationship is out in the open it soon becomes more complicated than she could have ever imagined.





	1. Part One

"Bucky – stop someone might see,” I sighed – completely exasperated as he wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzled his head into my neck. I was trying to cook dinner for everyone at Stark Tower without actually burning anything – god only knew how bad of a cook I actually was.

“I don’t care,” he murmured against my skin – nipping my neck and sending a bolt of electricity down my spine.

_It had started innocently and slowly several months ago. I was new to the Avengers and trying to acclimate into the group. My hand had accidentally brushed against his as I was reaching for a coffee mug in the kitchen cabinet. The corners of his lips had twitched slightly when he looked at me – causing my cheeks to burn red. After that we had both gravitated towards each other without even thinking about it. In the weeks that followed Bucky had made a silent but steady pursuit for my attention – always taking advantage of any opportunity presented to him._

_During movie night – when Sam had made everyone watch the Hangover for the millionth time – Bucky had stealthily entwined my fingers with his under the blanket we shared. Towards the end of the movie, when I had announced that I was too tired to stay up any longer he had feigned tiredness and followed me down the hallway. As soon as we were out of sight from the others he had pulled me into him – kissing me softly as his hands travelled up and down the sides of my body. I had let him know then that I wouldn’t sleep with him – even though I had really wanted to._

_And this continued in secret – with Bucky sneaking into my room when the others had fallen asleep or stealing a kiss in a moment of privacy. We had both agreed that we didn’t want the others to know – not yet. It would over complicate the good thing we had, and we both wanted to make sure it was real before including the rest of the group. It was the pragmatic and adult thing to do, but as my feelings for Bucky had grown it had made me feel miserable. And that’s why – after the initial panic – I was relieved when Natasha strolled into the kitchen and caught Bucky kissing me._

“Ahem,” Nat’s voice came from behind us – causing Bucky to jump and me to laugh nervously. “I was just checking to see if you needed help, but I think you have it covered,” she said sourly as she raised her eyebrows at Bucky.

“Yeah… we’re erm… good in here Nat. Thanks anyways,” I muttered hastily. I could feel myself turning red from embarrassment.

“Suit yourself,” she shrugged as she strolled out of the room.

Once she was far enough away to talk safely I playfully punched Bucky’s arm. “I told you that we were going to get caught!” I chastised.

Bucky chuckled nervously, “I guess the cat’s out of the bag. I better go talk to Steve before Nat runs to him. I’ll see you at dinner doll.” He squeezed my waist affectionately one last time before leaving the kitchen to find his best friend.

* * *

Luckily I managed to not burn anything while cooking – probably because I was so nervous about actually sitting across the table from everyone after they found out about Bucky and me that I had paid too much attention to the food. When I presented it to the crowded dining room table everyone cheered. I sat down beside Bucky with a sigh of relief – reaching for the glass of wine he had already poured for me.

“So…” Steve started with a smile on his face. I braced myself for the taunting and possible scolding that he had in store for us. “Is Bucky the little spoon or the big spoon?” he asked teasingly. I hadn’t been expecting this and choked on my wine as I laughed. Sam momentarily choked on his food and had tears streaming down his face as he guffawed at Bucky.

“Hilarious, Steve,” Bucky mumbled as he rolled his eyes and took a sip from his beer.

Steve chuckled to himself. “In all seriousness – I think we should make a toast – to Y/N and Bucky. Two of the only people that can keep a relationship secret in Stark Tower,” Steve said joyfully as he raised his glass.

“Here! Here!” Everyone else added as they followed Steve’s lead. I could feel my cheeks burning as Bucky gently squeezed my hand under the table.

I was relieved that everyone seemed happy for both of us, and I was excited to have Bucky all to myself once dinner was over.

* * *

I had told Bucky that I wouldn’t sleep with him – at least not until we were sure this was going to work and certainly not until we had been open with the others about whatever relationship it was that we had. I had certainly slipped up a few times – mainly when we were in bed together. Bucky reassured me that it was fine that I wanted to wait, but the way his body responded to me when I pressed myself against him in the dark told another story.

I paced back and forth in my room nervously. I had changed into a black lace nightgown and planned on surprising Bucky tonight, but the waiting was absolutely killing me. “Where the hell is he?” I muttered to myself as I continued my back and forth march. A soft knock came from the door. When I opened it he stepped hastily into the room. As he looked down at me wearing only my little black nightgown his eyes clouded with lust. I quickly shut the door and locked it behind me as he lips crashed against mine. They were soft and inviting as they set to work, causing me to moan softly into them. I could never get enough of him, and now I was about to get more than I had ever had. The thought alone sent a spark through my body – erupting deep inside of me. He hoisted me up with one hand and I obliging wrapped my legs tightly around his body as he ran his other hand through my hair – grabbing a handful. He broke away breathlessly as he laid me gently on the bed – his blue eyes burning. “Are you sure?” He tried to keep his voice level – I could tell that he didn’t want me to feel like I was required to sleep with him just because of his reaction.

“James Buchanan Barnes – get in this bed now,” I demanded breathlessly. He grinned as he stood up to pull off his shirt. He hastily kicked off his boots and shed his pants before sliding into the bed next to me. His hands quickly worked their way under my nightgown – gliding along my stomach and up to my breasts as he groaned to himself. We had both wanted this for so long and now that it was finally happening it was almost too much to bear. He worked the nightgown over my head and propped himself up with his elbow as he smiled down at me – his metal fingers gliding over my skin. “What?” I asked shyly. I had never felt so exposed to someone before.

“You’re just so beautiful.  I’ve imagined this in my head over and over – and even that doesn’t do it justice,” he replied softly as his fingers drifted down my stomach and playfully grazed against my inner thighs.

“Imagined, huh?” I responded breathlessly as his fingers continued to explore my body. His hand stopped near my core and he laughed.

“Y/N, are you not wearing any underwear?” He asked mocking shock as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. I shrugged with a coy smile. He chuckled shaking his head as he planted kisses down my neck and collar bone. “Always so full of surprises. Well if you must know… I imagined something like this,” he murmured as he slid he fingers over my core causing my breath to hitch. He smiled at me as he continued – never looking away – discovering which spots made me call out his name breathlessly as I bucked my hips to further the contact of his hand against me.

“Bucky,” I called out lowly. “Bucky…I…”

“Are you sure?” he asked again.

“Yes.”

He moved slowly as he positioned himself on top of me – planting kisses on my body as he slowly slid into me. I groaned softly. We moved slowly before finding our rhythm. The intensity of the act was almost overwhelming. I dug my nails into his back causing him to grunt as we both spilled over the edge. He sighed softly before pulling me into his arms – kissing the top of my hair softly as his hand traced patterns on my back.

“Y/N?” he whispered in the dark.

“Yes, Buck?”

“It was… it was more than I could have ever imagine,” he whispered sweetly in my ear as his arm tightened around my waist.

I smiled against his chest at this. “Goodnight Bucky,” I whispered back before drifting to sleep.

Looking back – if I could have stayed in that moment and never faced the following days – I would have happily done so.

 


	2. Part Two

 

I woke up the following morning and stretched lazily. When my fingers didn’t find Bucky’s body beside mine I peaked through my lashes – a sudden surge of disappointment running through my body. I spied a note on the nightstand and stretched my arm out to grab it. It was written in Bucky’s hand – and hastily. “Y/N – Have a mission with Steve and Sam. Will take a few days at least. Didn’t want to wake you – B” I laid back down with a huff. I wished he had woken me up, but it didn’t matter now.

I rolled out of bed and headed to the shower where I quickly rinsed off. As I pulled on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt I wondered to myself if Nat would be up for a workout this early in the morning. I decided that it was worth a shot and made my way out of my room and down the hallway as I pulled my wet hair into a messy bun. Once I reached Nat’s door I knocked and waited for an answer. When she opened the door she seemed surprised – I was obviously not the person she was expecting which seemed odd since we were close friends. “I was wondering if you wanted to go to the gym with me?” I asked casually. For some reason her reaction was really rubbing me the wrong way.

“Um… yeah… sure. Let me just grab my things really quick,” she had a hard time faking her enthusiasm as she answered but quickly grabbed her things and followed me down the hallway to the elevator. I sighed to myself internally – I was already regretting asking her to come with me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong with our interactions, but they made me feel uneasy.

We entered the gym and headed towards the mat. Nat and I were about neck-in-neck on our hand-to-hand combat and only ever trained with each other because of it. As we started sparring she broke from me and danced around the mat. “So you and Barnes?” She tried to ask it casually, but I could immediately tell it was forced.

I sighed heavily. “Listen Nat, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it. We agreed to not tell anyone – Steve didn’t even know. We wanted to test it out, before… well you know…” I shrugged awkwardly. This was definitely not what I had in mind when I had asked her to come with me.

We lapsed into silence as we continued our sparring. I noticed that Nat wasn’t pulling her punches like usual. “How long have you?” She asked – cocking an eyebrow is question.

“How long have we what? Been whatever we are or been sleeping with each other?” I asked as I placed my hands on my hips. I was getting more than annoyed with her sudden interrogation with each passing second. “We’ve been spending time together for the last five months. We slept together for the first time last night,” I answered bluntly.

“Interesting,” she responded before jumping out of the way of one of my kicks and returning a roundhouse kick that connected squarely with my stomach – knocking the air from my lungs.

“What the fuck, Nat?” I asked angrily as I remained bent over – trying to catch my breath.

“I guess I’m just surprised is all – seeing as we were supposed to be friends,” she added angrily as she placed her hands on her hips and glared at me.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about!” I shouted. I had finally caught my breath and I was angry as hell at the way she was acting.

“You know… I mean I never told you that Bucky and I had a thing, but I assumed when he told you that you wouldn’t have pursued it any further without talking to me. I guess I thought too much of you.” I was completely caught off guard. I had never known about them. Nat must have read my reaction pretty clearly. “Ah,” she smirked. “It’s because he didn’t tell you. Let me guess – you both agreed you weren’t going to tell anyone because you didn’t want to mess up the group dynamic so you kept it a secret, and he never really indicated when you would actually tell any of us? He’d wait until we were all asleep before sneaking into your room, and he’d leave before any of us woke up? Sound familiar?” she asked angrily. I had never seen this side of her before – she was being cruel and she was enjoying it. When I didn’t answer she smirked to herself again. “I wondered why he had stopped visiting me late at night…. Now that I think about it… it stopped about five months ago. He would never explain himself when I asked… I guess it makes perfect sense now. I’m sure he regretted not being able to have sex for five months though.”

She had finally gone too far. Her initial comments had thrown me off balance, but now her hostility and cruelty had caused something to snap inside of me. I had always been the calm, and silent one – never to raise her voice in a time of stress. I think that is what caused her look of surprise when my fist connected squarely with her nose causing a sickening crack which signaled the gushing of blood from it.

“Fuck you,” I mumbled as I turned on my heel and stormed to the elevator.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but I knew for certain that I needed to get the fuck out of the tower…. And it needed to happen as soon as possible.

* * *

I wiped the tears from my face as I hastily packed my bags. Why hadn’t he told me? Probably because he knew I would wonder if the same thing that happened to Nat would happen to me. Or was he still seeing her when he started pursuing me? My heart sank at the thought. I had been so happy last night – so relieved that the truth was finally in the open and we didn’t have to hide it. In reality, Bucky and I had never said that we were in a relationship… It had just been implied to me. “You fucking idiot,” I muttered to myself. Why had I thought that this would work? I was just the shiny new girl on the team – eventually he would get bored with me and find someone new or go back to Nat – I couldn’t compete with her in a million years. I felt sick to my stomach. I had realized I was falling in love with Bucky months ago, but I didn’t really admit it to myself openly until last night when I thought it had been safe to do so. I grabbed my bags angrily from my bed, and left my room – slamming the door behind me.

As the elevator opened to the parking garage I knew exactly where I was going. My parents had had a small cottage on the edge of a tiny coastal town in Maine. They had left it to me when they had died. For years before I had joined the Avengers I had found solace in my visits there. It would put distance between Bucky, and I – giving me time to think. No one in the group really knew about it so I wouldn’t have to worry about someone from the team knocking at my door. As I pulled out of the parking garage and onto the busy New York streets I was desperate to get as many miles as I could between me and the people I thought were my new family.

* * *

My phone buzzed in the passenger seat as I drove out of New York City. I picked it up hastily to see “STARK” illuminating the screen. My immediate impulse was to ignore it – I really didn’t want to talk to anyone, but I knew if I didn’t answer Tony would be persistent in tracking me down and showing up unannounced and unwelcome. It was the Stark way. I slid my finger across the screen and held the phone to my ear.

“What Stark?” I tried to ask it casually, but it came out too forced. It was obvious that I was upset. I had never been great at hiding my emotions when I actually managed to get angry.

“Whatcha doing?” he asked casually.

“Driving,” I answered curtly.

“Where ya going?”

“Tony… I just need a few days to myself. I promise I will keep a low profile and stay out of trouble,” I felt like a kid trying to plead with my parents again. Part of me was annoyed, but part of me was relieved that someone cared enough to ask.

Tony let out an exasperated sigh on the other end. “Fine… Fine… just let me know if you need anything kid. We’ll see you in a few days,” he replied before hanging up.

I sighed completely relieved. It would buy me some time to be away without the constant barrage of Tony Stark’s questions. It left one last phone conversation to have before turning off my phone. I dialed the number and waited patiently until I heard the familiar voice.

“I need you – can you meet me at the cottage?” I asked nervously.


	3. Part Three

Waking up so early ended up being an advantage for me. It usually took over eight hours for me to get from New York City to Bar Harbor. It was a cozy coastal town that I had always found magical with its whimsical shops and beautiful scenery. My family spent most of our summer vacations in the little town when I was younger. During times of distress I somehow always came running back. The cottage itself was small, plain, and old, but to me it had always been perfect. It was nestled on the outskirts of town overlooking the ocean. It was home, and I felt the relief of my sudden return as I pulled onto the beaten gravel driveway. 

As I gathered my things from the car I reached out to grab my phone. I had forgotten to turn it off or maybe I had left it on intentionally… I really didn’t know. I looked at the screen – no messages. Part of me felt slightly disappointed, but I highly doubted Tony had had the chance to rat me out since Steve and Bucky were most likely still on their mission. I sighed sadly as I pressed the power button until the screen went blank. If I was going to figure this out without any interference, I needed it off. There was of course the alternative – that I had already figured everything out on the journey here and that maybe I needed to walk away from it all. The thought made my heart sink. No – I wouldn’t go there yet. First I needed rest and copious amounts of alcohol.

I made my way up the uneven path to the house as I lugged all of my bags with me. I struggled with the lock on the door – swearing under my breath as I jiggled my key until I was finally able to open the door. I dropped my bags at the door and stretched wearily. I wasn’t worried about anything other than getting a drink and sleeping. The long drive had left me stiff and exhausted. I was worried that the main source of my exhaustion was the creeping sadness that I was trying to keep at bay. I knew I needed to think about what had happened the night before and what I had discovered this morning, but it was too new – too raw for me to process rationally. I ran my hand down my face as I wearily stumbled into the small kitchen. I opened the cabinet where my dad had kept his collection of odd coffee mugs from our various trips and reached towards the back – sighing with relief as I procured the bottle of whiskey that I had hidden for myself. I took the bottle with me as I made my way to one of the tiny bedrooms on the other side of the cottage. Luckily – since I paid for someone to maintain the cottage while I was away – it looked just as I had left it before joining the Avengers. I plopped myself onto the bed and snuggled my way under the blankets before unscrewing the cap of the bottle and taking a swig.

I was finding it impossible to not think about Bucky, and the night before. The feeling of his lips against my skin. How he laughed breathlessly as he teased me relentlessly. The way he had looked at me… like he had never wanted something so much in his life. The way he told me I was beautiful – the words dripping with admiration. I sighed to myself before taking several more swigs from the bottle. Of course all of these memories were tinged with self-doubt and a feeling of betrayal because of Nat’s revelation. Had he said the same things to her? Had he looked at her the same way? Did he still feel something for her – was that why he hadn’t been overly keen on being open about us with the others? Each thought called for a few more drinks. The stinging sensation of the alcohol as it made its way down my throat was much more preferable than the heartache I was currently feeling. I kept drinking until I drifted to sleep. Unfortunately, my mind seemed set on not letting me have a moment’s reprieve from my self-imposed misery.

* * *

_My dream seemed to be a video montage of Bucky and I’s greatest hits. While the memories swirled into a blur the dream centered around the first time Bucky and I had spent the night alone together in Stark tower. It had been a month since Bucky had kissed me for the first time, and I was ecstatic to have time alone with him without the threat of someone accidentally interrupting. Bucky seemed to be absolutely bursting with nervous energy as the others prepared to leave for a weekend mission. Steve had been the first to notice after Bucky had accidentally tripped on a rug, as he was pacing in the common room, causing a slew of profanity to spill from his mouth while I tried to muffle my laughter._

_“You…eh…you okay there, Buck? You seem nervous…” Steve had asked uneasily._

_“No… no I am fine. Don’t worry about it, Steve,” Bucky was just a little too adamant with his response which made Steve chuckle under his breath._

_“Suit yourself,” Steve replied. “We’ll see you guys next week,” he called as the others entered the elevator. Tony was still demanding that we didn’t trash the place in his absence as the elevator doors closed._

_“Finally!” Bucky exclaimed as he threw his hands up in the air dramatically._

_“Are you… are you okay?” I asked through giggles. He answered my question with his famous lopsided grin. The one that made me feel like I could have my way with him then and there – consequences be damned. “What’s gotten into you?” His behavior wasn’t very Bucky-like._

_“Never mind that! You stay in here… you are banned from the kitchen until further notice. Promise you won’t come in?” he asked sincerely._

_I chuckled at this remark. “Um Bucky… I’m pretty sure Tony banned me from the kitchen after the first meal I attempted to make for everyone,” I grinned at him sheepishly as I remembered the whole cooking fiasco. In my defense I had told them I was a terrible cook._

_Bucky laughed at that. “Okay… Just wait out here and I will come and get you in a little while… promise?” he asked sweetly._

_“Cross my heart,” I smiled back. He left the room beaming as I turned my attention back to my book._

_A few hours passed – Bucky would occasionally pop out of the kitchen to see what I was doing and then eventually make his was back to continue his secret operations. Finally, he came out of the kitchen with a giant grin plastered on his face. I smiled back at him – his smiles were always contagious._

_“If you will follow me, please,” he said formally as he offered his arm to me. I giggled at him and stood up from the couch, hooking my arm in his. As we entered the dining room I gasped. Bucky had prepared an entire meal – homemade fettuccine,  breadsticks made from scratch, and a fresh salad all covered the table. He seated me at the table and poured both of us a glass of wine. I smiled at him sweetly as he handed me mine, before taking his place across the table from me._

_“So he cooks?” I raised an eyebrow playfully as I brought the glass to my lips._

_He chuckled. “Doll, there are a lot of things you don’t know about me. I just wanted to do something for you. It’s the first time we’ve been able to just walk around this tower and act the way we actually want to…. And do whatever it is that we’re thinking,” he grinned slyly at me as he paused._

_“What is it that you’re actually thinking?” I asked coyly._

_“Of doing this,” he whispered as he leaned over the table to kiss me. It was sweet but urgent, and he pulled away too soon. “Consider this our first official date,” he added as he winked at me playfully._

_I couldn’t help but smile. It was one the kindest things anyone had done for me in a very long time. “Bucky…. Thank you,” I whispered shyly across the table._

_“Well don’t thank me until after you’ve tried it,” he laughed._

* * *

I woke up with a start. For a moment I was happy, but the moment gave way to bitterness as my brain reasoned with itself – it had just been a dream. A flashback to happier days. That night had been the first night that Bucky had told me I was beautiful. It was also the first night that he truly began to open up to me about his struggles with his past. Ever since then we had harbored a deeper connection between each other. Tears fell bitterly from my eyes as the bed shifted from the weight of someone else laying beside me.

I turned over slowly and let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you for coming,” I whispered before falling to pieces.


	4. Part Four

                                                                         

I opened my eyes tentatively – testing the severity of my hangover. The early morning light drifted lazily from the blinds – throwing golden bars on the bed. I groaned as my headache raged. As I looked lazily around the room I saw a glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen on the nightstand by the bed. I gratefully grabbed the bottle and glass – throwing back two pills and washing them down hastily. I laid my head back on my pillow with a sigh as I closed my eyes – praying that the pounding in my head would subside soon. The door to the bedroom squeaked as it was opened and I casually opened one eye – just enough to see who caused the noise.

“Hey sis,” I muttered before turning from the bed and vomiting into the waste bin she had strategically placed beside it.

* * *

“Oh come on Y/N – you have to talk about it. I haven’t heard from you hardly at all in the last year… now all of a sudden you’re calling me up to meet you… no explanation. I get here and you’re drunk out of your mind and falling to pieces,” Nicole chastised as we walked down the street to get lunch. I winced as her voice grew shriller the longer she talked.

“Okay – okay…. First can we get some food? And could you possibly keep your voice down a few octaves?” I asked annoyed. She rolled her eyes and huffed to herself as we entered the warm little dinner that we always visited when we stayed at the cottage. We picked out the booth furthest away from any windows and sat comfortably in the worn leather cushions.

Nicole eyed me eagerly as the waitress brought us our menus and coffee. She was several years older than me. Where I had been a cautionary tale on what not to do through grade school she was the star pupil. I had dropped out of college after two semesters finding it to not be stimulating enough for me while she had gone on to medical school. She had a family; I had a string of unsuccessful relationships. This thought snapped me back to the present as I casually grabbed a menu and looked it up and down.

“Okay… stop bullshitting Y/N. You know that menu front to back… you’re just stalling,” she snapped as she crossed her arms in annoyance.

“Fine,” I responded as I placed the menu back on the table and motioned to the waitress that we were ready. We placed our orders and then I reluctantly turned to my sister. “First, I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit – I didn’t eat anything yesterday and the drinking, and crying that I partook in caused the hangover from hell.”

“Apology accepted,” she replied as she smiled at me. It never took us long to make up with one another. “So?” she asked raising an eyebrow.

“I started seeing someone in the Avengers… His name is Bucky Barnes.” I was interrupted by her choking on her coffee.

“Isn’t he the one that…” I cut her off before she could say another word.

“He doesn’t do that anymore,” I replied curtly. I had always been particularly defensive of Bucky since I knew him – even before we had started our romance.

“Noted,” she added apologetically as she held her hands up to me.

“Anyways… We’ve been… well I don’t know what you would call it. I guess we’ve been dating for the last five months, but we didn’t tell anyone else on the team… We wanted to make sure things actually worked between us before complicating everything,” I explained as she nodded understandingly. “The day before yesterday Nat walked in on him kissing me so we were forced to kind of let everyone know about it. I was relieved… and well we kind of… I kind of slept with him. Anyways, yesterday morning he left for a mission so I went to the gym with Nat. She proceeded to tell me that Bucky and her had an arrangement similar to ours and he only ended it five months ago… around the same time he started pursuing me… and it was just awful. I had to get away from all of it,” I paused allowing her to analyze everything I had just told her.

“Was this Nat your friend?”

“Yes… well I thought so… She said some pretty terrible things to me and I kind of… well I punched her and I am pretty sure I broke her nose,” I added awkwardly.

She raised her eyebrows in surprise, “So I’m assuming this Bucky fellow is something more than a casual thing?” This was new territory for me. I had only seriously dated one other person before and it had ended horribly. After that it was my real of thumb to not get attached. Bucky was different though – in all honestly that’s what I had refused to have sex with him at first. I needed it to be different with him.

I smiled sadly. “Honestly? I think I’m in love with him,” I muttered sadly as the waitress brought us our food. We lapsed into silence as we ate – not bringing up Bucky or the previous days.

* * *

“You know… I was thinking,” Nicole muttered as we walked amongst the different shops in town.

“About what?” I asked.

“I haven’t heard you say ‘love’ since… you know,” she paused awkwardly.

“I do know,” I responded curtly. I knew all too well. The only other time I thought I had been in love had ended up being an abusive and toxic relationship. That’s why Bucky’s lack of honesty felt like a betrayal to me. I had been down this road before, and I wasn’t willing to walk it again.

“This Bucky though… do you think that he would have told you about his relationship with Nat eventually?” She asked casually.

“Yes… I mean… I don’t really know, but I would like to think he would. It would have been better if maybe he had told me before we had slept together,” I answered bitterly.

“That’s true… I just… I don’t know. I feel like he knew he would have to tell you at some point – maybe he didn’t want to ruin what he had with you?” she asked tentatively. I shot her a glance as I thought it over. “Hey! I’m just saying maybe there is more to the story!” she added defensively as she raised her hands up at me. “Have you at least talked to him?”

“No,” I responded curtly.

“So basically you cut and ran as soon as you found out?”

I spun on my heel at this so I could turn to look at her face to face. “I don’t want to be manipulated anymore. I needed time and distance to think before I hear him out,” I responded snappily.

“Okay Okay. Remember you called me to try to help you through this, and that’s what I’m doing.”

I sighed as I rubbed my throbbing temples with my fingers. “I know… I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know. Can we go back to the cottage?” I asked wearily. The intensity of my headache had gone through the rough and all I wanted was to lay down and rest for a bit longer now that I had eaten.

“Whatever you want kiddo,” she smiled as we hooked arms and walked back to the cottage side-by-side.

I wanted Bucky there more than anything, but my own fear left me paralyzed. He would have to make the first move if he did really care, because regardless of his intentions for not telling me – this mess was his making.


	5. Part Five

 

                                                              

I felt like a hypocrite. As much as I had dreaded someone from the Avengers knocking on my door – I was finding myself wishing for it. I wanted Bucky to fight for me – I wanted him to prove me wrong. I needed him to. Days went by in a blur as I debated with myself on what I should do. Maybe he was still on his mission? Maybe Tony had told him to let me be? I couldn’t find an adequate excuse for it.

“Are you sure he won’t just show up at your door?” Nicole asked one morning – arching her eyebrows in curiosity.

“I’ve only ever talked to him about the cottage once… and it was just in passing,” I shrugged miserably.

“Well maybe he’s trying to get ahold of you? Have you checked your phone?” she asked casually.

“No – it’s been off since I got here,” I added miserably.

“Well maybe you should…”

“NO,” I snapped at her. As much as I wanted him to fabricate from thin air – I also really didn’t want to know why he hadn’t told me. I had made up my mind that I wouldn’t like his reasoning, and that was that.

* * *

I walked into the living room rubbing my eyes wearily. I had somehow managed to doze off as I snuggled in the oversized bed reading my dad’s beaten copy of Kurt Vonnegut’s “Slaughterhouse-Five.” I stretched my arms as I peered around the room – spotting Nicole on the couch in front of the fireplace. “Hey,” I muttered quietly. Her head immediately snapped in my direction as she quickly hid her hands. “What are you? OH NO. I told you no!” I roared as I went to snatch the phone from her hands. “Now they’ll know where I’m at! Dammit Nicole!” After a brief struggle I victoriously grabbed the phone from her hands and crossed my arms – huffing angrily.

“Ten missed calls, one  voicemail, and twenty text messages,” she stated as a fact.

“Huh?” I asked confused.

“Those are all from this Bucky guy. It seems like he might care,” she shrugged casually. I rolled my eyes annoyed and stomped back into the bedroom determined to hide there for the rest of the night.

As I curled up in the bed I couldn’t help, but feel like the phone I held in my hand felt like a lead weight. Should I go ahead and look? There was no way that Tony hadn’t locked onto where I was within fifteen minutes. Bucky, Tony, or Steve would be here in a matter of hours – so there was no point in holding out any longer… I needed to go ahead and face whatever he had to say so I could prepare myself. I reluctantly lifted the phone to my face – it was best to get the voicemail out of the way first. I clicked on the message before putting the phone on speaker and listened.

Bucky’s voice permeated the quiet of the room. My heart sank as I listened.

“Y/N… Tony said that you left a few days ago but wouldn’t tell him where you were going… I… I know something happened between you and Nat. Please call… please let me explain. I don’t… I don’t want to lose you over this. I… I’m sorry,” his voice was so incredibly sad that I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from crying. When he paused at the end of the message my heart had done a backflip. I had never realized how much I wanted to hear him say that he loved me – but my hopes fell as flat as his voice as the recording ended.

I flipped through the the text messages quickly.

_-Hey! I’m coming home – can’t wait to see your beautiful face._

_-Steve just talked to Tony and he said you left???_

_-Is everything okay?_

_-I tried to call but it went straight to voicemail. Y/N please call me._

_-Y/N, it’s not what you think. Please call me doll. Please come home. I miss you. I need to explain._

_-I know I fucked it all up but please let me explain._

They kept going – each one a different variation of the one before it. I felt sick. It had been easier to accept everything when I had cut myself off from him. I sighed heavily. The truth was so glaringly obvious – I had never really accepted what had happened – just prolonged the inevitable. As I was flipping through the rest of the texts Bucky’s picture illuminated the screen. I froze in absolute panic – he was calling and I had accidentally just hit “answer.”

I stared at the phone – completely frozen in fear.

“Y/N,” Bucky’s voice said softly from the other end. I remained silent. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. It was as if I had suddenly turned into a statue. Bucky took my silence as a sign that I was going to listen and suddenly it was as if a flood gate had opened from his end of the conversation. “Doll, I am so sorry. I don’t know what all happened, but I know this is my fault. I swear I was going to tell you… I was going to explain everything, but I was just so afraid. So afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and losing you… because you make me so happy. I haven’t… well I haven’t been this happy in a long time,” he paused for a moment waiting for my response. I sat in silence still unable to articulate the hundreds of conversations I had played out in my mind between us the last few days. “Doll…. Please. Please say something,” he pleaded – the edge of desperation cutting into his words.

All of my faculties seemed to have been taken over by some unknown part of myself that was unwilling to be hurt the way I had been hurt before. “There’s nothing left to say, Bucky…. Goodbye,” I said quietly before ending the call. I didn’t even know the words that were spilling out of my mouth until it was too late. I sat dumbfounded at myself as I stared at the phone in my hand. Why would I say that? What had I just done? Tears welled in my eyes as I realized that I could have very well ended everything then – he was trying and I had shut him down.

I jumped slightly as the door opened and Nicole came into the room. She looked at me apologetically as she held up two wine glasses and a bottle.

“I thought maybe we could use this tonight?”

I nodded sadly as tears streamed down my face.


	6. Part Six

I grumbled sleepily as I turned over in the bed. Another morning – another terrible hangover. It had been a few days since my phone conversation, or lack thereof, with Bucky – and he had been silent ever since. Today was the last day Nicole could stay with me as she needed to get back to her life, her family, and her job. She begged me to go with her, but I had politely declined. I needed to find my footing again and figure out what my next step was. There was no way I could go back to Stark Tower – not after everything that had happened. I sighed to myself as I stared at the ceiling. I could hear talking in the other room which I tried desperately to ignore until a knock at the bedroom door caused me to angrily huff, “What?”

“You have a visitor,” Nicole called through the door. My heart jumped as I shot up in the bed just in time for her to open the door. “Captain America?” Nicole asked jokingly.

“My friends call me Steve,” he responded as he looked at her with a grin before turning his gaze to me – the grin slipping from his face.

I smiled weakly at him – the sudden spike of adrenaline mixed with my hangover was making the room tilt in an odd way. “Hey Stevie,” I muttered before laying back down in the bed and ignoring the presence of both Steve and Nicole.

* * *

“And she’s just been like this?” Steve asked in the other room. It was a few hours later and I was fully awake, but unwilling to leave the room out of pure embarrassment.

“For days now. I’m honestly not sure when she’s been sober during the last week,” Nicole replied. I scoffed. That was a little overdramatic. I drank every night to help myself sleep – I had just always happened to drink enough to feel horrible the next day. “What about your friend? This Bucky?”

“He’s absolutely miserable. Shuts himself away from everyone else. Snaps every time someone tries to talk with him. He hasn’t been like this in a long time,” by the sound of his voice Steve was certainly concerned. I was too – I couldn’t help but feel a sudden urge to jump in my car and go to him.

“Do you know exactly what happened?” Nicole asked pointblank. I could always count on her to cut through the shit and get to the bottom of the problem.

“He won’t talk to me about it. He just tells me it’s his fault and that he’s miserable without her. Has… has Y/N said anything?” he asked uncertainly.

“It’s probably best that you talk to her about it… So you um… don’t really mind staying with her?” I bolted upright at this. I didn’t need to be passed off like a child – I was capable of taking care of myself. I pushed off the bed and stomped into the living room. As I opened my bedroom door Nicole was picking up her bags and already turned towards the front door. I stopped and awkwardly cleared my throat. I felt all the anger leave me in a rush; I really didn’t want her to go. She turned to face me and gave me a smile before dropping her bags and taking the remaining steps to close the distance between us before giving me a bone crushing hug.  “Take care of yourself, sis. I can try to come back soon,” she added nervously as she pulled away and looked at me.

“I’ll be fine,” I answered meekly.

“You always are,” she responded as she turned and grabbed her bags before making her way to the door.

An awkward silence fell on the room once she had left. Steve turned to look at me – his eyes already asking the questions that had been running on repeat in his brain. “So…”

“Are you hungry?” I interrupted. I knew I was in for an interrogation, but I wasn’t about to let it start without getting some food.

Steve shook his head in exasperation. “If I say no will it help me get the answers any faster?” He couldn’t help but let a grin tug at the corners of his lips.

“Nope,” I grinned back at him.

“Okay fine – you lead and I’ll follow,” he answered reluctantly.

* * *

“Why did you run off?” Steve asked as he set the plastic menu on the table. I sighed heavily –so it was straight to business then. I had hoped that maybe we could get through dinner with pleasant conversation and hold off on the heavier conversations until later. I motioned for the waitress to take our orders. Once she was gone I picked up my untouched glass of whiskey and swirled the ice inside it lazily.

I peeked up to see Steve staring at my intently. He wasn’t going to let me off the hook. “It… it doesn’t matter Steve,” I tried my best to be nonchalant but my attempt landed flat.

He scoffed – obviously annoyed. “It does matter and you damn well know it,” he replied impatiently.

I rolled my eyes at the severity of his tone before meeting his eyes and realizing the hurt that laid behind them. “I’m… I’m sorry Steve,” I muttered into my glass. “Everything just got so messed up.”

“Y/N, what happened? I can’t help fix it… if you won’t tell me,” he answered earnestly as he reached across the table and placed his hand reassuringly on mine.

I swallowed hard – it would be harder to tell Steve than it had been Nicole. I looked at him with a sad smile on my face. “I… I love him Steve,” I whispered sadly as I shrugged my shoulders.

This was obviously not what Steve was anticipating. His eyebrows shot up before he regained composure and a soft smile formed on his face. “Well that’s not so bad is it?” He asked shyly.

“Did you know he was sleeping with Nat?” I asked absentmindedly. Steve’s jaw dropped open – a slew of half-words falling out. “She said it stopped around the time he started spending time with me,” I added thickly.

“Oh that fucking idiot,” Steve whispered under his breath as he ran his hands through his hair. It was my turn to be shocked – Steve never swore.

“Steve?” I asked.

“He wouldn’t tell me… wouldn’t tell me why you had left or what was wrong.” He was shaking his head angrily as he spoke. “I didn’t know about Nat – I had no idea, but I did have an idea about you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, my curiosity had peaked over my misery.

“He started to change about five months ago. At first it was subtle, but it started to become much more noticeable. No one else noticed, because no one else knows Bucky as well as I do. I’d catch him daydreaming… He’d smile for no reason… He was just lighter… happier. For the first time since the War I had that young kid from Brooklyn back as my best friend,” he explained as he shrugged sadly. I suddenly became acutely aware of the indention my teeth were making in the side of my cheek. Even as he spoke I felt the butterflies that I always had when I was around Bucky. When we were together there was an undercurrent of excitement like some sort of spastic electricity that I could never explain or reason out – even to myself.

“I miss him,” I answered quietly as I fidgeted with the food that the waitress had set in front of us.

“He misses you. Listen – I’m not telling you to forgive him. Hell, I still plan on getting the full story from him, but come home. Please?” Steve reached across the table once again to squeeze one of my anxious hands. I looked up and lost my resolve in his sad blue eyes. There was no way I could say no.

“I can’t get hurt again Steve. I promised myself.”

“I know – I promise I won’t let it happen, okay?” He smiled sweetly at me as I nodded. Of course Steve was right – I needed to hear Bucky out.

* * *

“Are you sure you don’t want to head back today?” Steve asked as he raised an eyebrow curiously.

I shook my head as I continued looking forward. “I agreed that I will hear him out, but I don’t want to go back today. The drive is too long and I need to pack.”

Steve rolled his eyes playfully. His mood had definitely improved since I had agreed to go back to Stark Tower, but he was going to have to wait one more day. I wasn’t mentally or emotionally prepared today after his surprised visit. “So what do you want to do today?” he asked as he spun on his heel and looked at me.

I shrugged. “We could go to the beach for awhile. The weather’s pretty nice. The ocean here is just so much better than what we have in New York,” I responded.

“Deal,” he responded as we continued our journey back to the cottage.

* * *

“I know you’re mad at Buck for not telling you everything, but maybe you should meet him halfway?” Steve said as he stared at me from across the little fire we had built in front of the cottage. The sun was starting to set as the evening waned into night. “I just mean,” he added as he raised both of his hands in response to the look I had given him. “Did he know you had a sister?”

I sat quietly as I diverted me eyes from him. He had a point. “No,” I mumbled back.

“And I’m assuming you didn’t tell him for a good reason?” he added.

“Yeah,” I responded as I chewed on my bottom lip. I had tried to keep my life before the Avengers separate from my new life. It was relatively easy. My parents had both died so it had just left Nicole, who had agreed with my reasoning for the safety of her own family.

“Well I think I’m going to head to bed since it will be an early morning,” Steve announced – breaking the awkward silence that had fallen between us.

“Yeah good idea. I think I will too,” I mumbled. We put the fire out and headed wearily to our rooms. I feared that it wouldn’t matter how tired I was – the amount of nervous energy running through my mind and body was sure to keep me awake.

* * *

I blinked wearily – trying to wake myself up as we weaved in and out of cars on the freeway. Just as I had predicted I didn’t sleep the night before, making for a very long drive back to New York City. We had had several close calls from my less than stellar reflexes that left Steve grumbling in the passenger seat.

“Y/N! Stop!” Steve yelled as I slammed on my brakes and veered off the road. Traffic had come to a sudden halt and my internal monologue had prevented me from noticing. I put the car in park and shakily placed my head on the steering wheel with a groan. “Okay – that’s it. I’m driving,” Steve announced sternly before unbuckling himself and exiting the car. I sighed in frustration. There was no reason to argue with him after I had almost killed both of us.

“Fine,” I muttered as he opened the door and I unbuckled myself before exiting the car. I stomped to the other side of the car and threw myself into the seat – slamming the door behind me.

“You done?” Steve asked through a chuckle.

“Yes,” I muttered as I shed my hoodie before buckling my seatbelt. I wadded the hoodie into a makeshift pillow and placed it between my head and the window before closing my eyes. Maybe I was tired enough to rest for awhile. “Steve?” I asked as I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

“Yeah?” he responded as we pulled back onto the highway. We had about four hours left before we reached the city and there had been something I had been meaning to ask Steve.

“Something has… er… well I’ve been wondering something ever since you showed up…. Why did you come instead of Bucky?” I didn’t immediately receive an answer from him so I peeked through my lashes to see him clutching my steering wheel with white knuckles. I had the sudden fear that he would snap it in two.

He chuckled nervously. “Well… I thought I was less likely to get punched than he would,” he responded before falling into an awkward silence.

“And?” I asked as I lifted my head and turned to look at him.

“Well Bucky doesn’t exactly know that I am with you,” he responded nervously as he turned to give me a wink.


	7. Part Seven

The next few minutes were a blur of me screaming expletives shrilly at Steve. “STEVEN FUCKING GRANT ROGERS – YOU LITTLE SHIT!” I yelled as I punched him in the arm.

“Hey! We could wreck! Maybe take it out on me later?” he asked as he rolled his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked – trying to keep my voice level and failing miserably.

He shrugged somewhat apologetically. “Look – I’ve known Buck for a long time. He’s miserable without you, but he thinks you’re better off without him. He was driving himself crazy about it but refused to even listen to Tony when he said he knew where you were. He’s stubborn – there’s just no way around it,” he explained defensively – keeping an eye on me to make sure no further punches were in his immediate future.

“So… so he has no idea I’m coming?” I asked nervously as I chewed on my bottom lip.

“No,” Steve responded matter-of-factly. “But I can assure you he will be relieved when he sees you,” he added.

“Steve, pull over for a second,” I choked out as pure panic gripped me.

“Oh come on, Y/N! You can’t drive!” he whined.

“Pull over!” I yelled. The urgency in my voice finally prompted him to oblige. I jumped out of the car before it had fully stopped and ran into the nearby field where I promptly fell to my knees and vomited. I wiped my mouth with the back of my shaking hand as I rose unsteadily to my feet. So Bucky didn’t initiate this. He hadn’t even tried. His best friend was fighting for me and he wasn’t even trying. As I trudged back to the car I wished that I had never agreed to come back. I was better off alone.

“Are you okay?” Steve asked quietly as I climbed back into my seat and closed the door behind me.

“Why didn’t you tell me Steve?” I asked as tears pricked at the corners of my eyes.

He was quiet for a moment before he turned to me. “Because I knew you would never come back if I told you. What kind of friend would I be to either of you if I sat by idly and let you both ruin this?” When I looked into his eyes I knew that he meant it. He wanted so desperately for things to be fixed, but for some reason I doubted it would ever happen. I smiled at him weakly as he pulled the car back onto the interstate. The sudden feeling of panic had completely drained my energy. I resolved myself to finally lay my head back down on my makeshift pillow and close my eyes wearily. Within minutes I had fallen fast asleep.

* * *

“Y/N,” Steve whispered as he shook me softly. I grunted in reply. Why was he being so persistent in trying to wake me up? I just wanted to sleep a little longer.

“Go away,” I muttered grumpily as I tried to shoo his hands away from my arm.

“We’re here,” he finally said out of exasperation. This caused me to wake fully with a start.

“Oh,” I muttered nervously as I looked around the parking garage of Stark Tower. Bucky’s motorcycle was parked two spaces down – my heart almost jumped through my chest when I saw it.

“I’ll get your bags,” Steve responded as I exited the car.

The elevator ride was mostly quiet. Even after the nearly four-hour nap I had taken on the way to the tower I was exhausted. More than anything I wanted to escape to my room, take a long hot shower, and rest. The idea of seeing Bucky after the long drive was exhausting within itself. As the elevator doors opened we were greeted with laughter from the common room.

“Yo! Y/N!” Sam yelled from the couch – waving at me. “How was your vacation?” I smiled warmly at him and saw Tony turn to face me from one of the many chairs in the room. He offered me a small wink of hello. He had kept up the façade for me, god bless him, no one but those involved knew.

“It was great Sam, thanks,” I managed to respond back quietly.

“Who are you talking to?” Bucky called to Sam as he walked out of the kitchen – Natasha following closely behind. Sam didn’t have time to respond before Bucky’s eyes found me – the plate of food he had been carrying fell to the floor and shattered.

“Hi Buck,” I responded quietly, averting my eyes from him.

“Dude, what the fuck? You need help carrying your food around, grandpa?” Sam chastised as Bucky scrambled to the floor to carefully pick up the shards of glass and food that now littered it. It gave me an easy out.

“Well the drive was exhausting so I’m… erm… gonna head to my room to rest for awhile. I’ll be up in a few hours,” I muttered as I turned on my heel and fled towards the hallway that led to our rooms.

“Don’t forget – team dinner and meeting at seven!” Tony called casually behind me. I sighed as I neared my door— It wasn’t going to be easy to hideout in my room after all.

* * *

“Are you okay?” Steve whispered as he closed the door to my room behind him.

“Um.. yeah… I think so,” I responded lamely as I shifted uneasily. The sight of Nat being so close to Bucky made me want to scream.  “I think I’m just going to take a shower and sleep for a few more hours. I feel exhausted,” I muttered.

“Okay, let me know if you need anything. I’ll make sure you’re up for the meeting.” Steve smiled warmly at me as he opened the door.

“Steve?”

“Yeah, Y/N?”

“Will you lock the door before you close it, please?” He smiled sadly before turning the lock and closing the door behind him.

I sighed shakily as I sat on the corner of my bed. The last night I had spent in this room had been with Bucky and things had been so perfect. Now everything was all twisted up, and I didn’t know if there was a way to fix it. I pushed off the bed and headed to the shower – determined that it was exactly what I needed.

* * *

“What the hell were you thinking, Buck?” I could hear Steve’s raised voice through the wall. Dinner was less than an hour away so I grudgingly opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. Since Bucky’s room shared a wall with mine it was impossible to not hear the conversation that was unfolding on the other side.

“I don’t know, Steve,” Bucky responded gruffly.

“How about you try better than that?” Steve had hidden his anger pretty well for me, but he wasn’t holding back on his friend. It was the maddest I had ever heard him.

“Listen, I was lonely. You know what that’s like, right? She was there, and it was just a casual thing. It happened a few times… I know I shouldn’t have let it, but it did. I knew it was wrong so I ended it.”

“And then you did the same thing to Y/N?” Steve asked incredulously.

“It… No. I know it looks the same, but it isn’t. She’s different. It’s different with her. Well… it was different with her,” he added sadly.

“This is your mess, Buck. You better make it right with her,” Steve added before the slam of Bucky’s door rattled the wall.

There was a gentle knock at my door that caused me to shoot up out of the bed. “Who is it?” I asked nervously.

“It’s me,” Steve’s voice replied softly from the other side of the door. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah,” I called as I grabbed a zip up sweater and put it on absentmindedly. I opened the door and could immediately feel the tension rolling off of Steve.

“Are you okay?” I asked cautiously.

“Yeah, let’s get to dinner,” he responded as I followed him out of the room.


	8. Part Eight

I knew if I wanted to keep the rest of the team from knowing the awkward drama that was unfolding between half of its members I would have to keep calm for appearances’ sake while trying the best I could to avoid Bucky. As we neared the dinner table I took my place between Sam and Steve.

“Not gonna sit with your boyfriend?” Sam asked with a wink. I sighed internally. I obviously was already off to a bad start. From the corner of my eye I could see Bucky shift slightly to look at me.

“Why would I do that when you’re here, Sam?” I countered with a flirty smile.  He chuckled into his beer as he shook his head.

“Better watch out Barnes or I might steal your girl,” Sam chortled as he raised his eyebrows playfully. I braced myself and looked in Bucky’s direction. There was no humor in his eyes as he stared unblinkingly at me.

“Wine?” Tony interrupted – pulling my attention away from Bucky.

I smiled at him warmly as I nodded my head. He poured a small amount and was about to leave before I placed my hand gently on his. “Tony, you might as well top it off,” I suggested. He laughed as he shook his head and poured me more.

“You’re usually not one to drink in excess like the rest of us,” Tony chuckled as he looked at me inquisitively.

“People change,” I shrugged as I lifted the glass to my lips – looking directly at Bucky. His eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly as I turned away and offered my attention to Tony who was diving headfirst into our meeting while we ate.

* * *

“Y/N, it’s your turn to clean the dishes!” Sam proclaimed with a slap on my back. I felt a small surge of panic. Bucky could easily corner me in the kitchen and start the conversation that I was already talking myself out of having.

I groaned as I got up from the table and began collecting everyone’s dishes. Nat had luckily excused herself quickly after eating so I didn’t have to force a pleasant interaction with her. As I neared where Bucky sat and reached for his plate he mumbled, “I’ve got it.” With that, I spun on my heel with the empty plates in hand and made my way straight to the kitchen with Bucky following closely behind.

We began our task in silence. I washed the plates and handed them to Bucky to dry – never taking my eyes away from what I was doing. The tension between us was palpable, but I refused to be the first to speak. As I handed him the last plate his hand brushed against mine causing me to nearly drop it as I jerked back. I turned to look at him and saw the hurt that filled his eyes. “Y/N, I…” he began, but I held my hand up. I was more than a little tipsy from all the wine I had had with dinner. It was making it increasingly difficult for me to hold my resolve.

“I… I can’t… not tonight,” I finally managed to say.

“Then when? Y/N, I need to explain,” he added as panic seeped through his voice.

“You’re right. You need to explain, but not tonight Bucky. For one night I don’t want to cry over you. I just want to have a nice night with my friends. Is that too much to ask?” I added angrily.

“Everything okay?” Steve asked as he leaned casually in the entryway to the kitchen.

“Yeah, Steve. Bucky was just finishing up,” I added as I threw the sponge back into the sink and walked out of the kitchen with Steve walking beside me.

“Are you really okay?” He asked under his breath.

“Yeah – I just… I drank too much and I just want one night with all of us together before I fuck it all up,” I muttered miserably. Steve wrapped his arm around my shoulder and gave me a light squeeze.

“Well luckily for you its movie night,” he said as we strolled into the common room.

“And we’re watching The Hangover!” Sam shouted as he held up the dvd case. I groaned as I rolled my eyes playfully. In all honesty, this was exactly what I needed.

Steve and I settled ourselves onto the couch. I secretly prayed that Bucky wouldn’t sit by me, but given the fact that the only free seat in the room was beside me there was no way he could get out of it— at least not without drawing unwanted attention to us.  A few minutes went by before Bucky strolled out of the kitchen. He scanned the room looking for a seat and saw the only one open was next to me. He casually grabbed my favorite blanket for movie nights before making his way to the couch and sitting uncomfortably close to me. Of course, for the others he was still my boyfriend so nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

“I can take it from here, Steve,” Bucky whispered, a little too intensely, prompting Steve to remove his arm from around my shoulders. Bucky casually replaced it with his – holding on to me a little too tightly. “I brought your blanket,” he whispered as he spread it over us. I grunted softly in reply. My intake of wine was making me tired, but I was also acutely aware of Bucky’s fingers gripping my arm, and the warmth of his body as he sat next to me. I had been afraid of this – being around him and becoming intoxicated by his presence. It was so easy for it to happen, and I suddenly found myself trapped – unwilling and unable to break our contact. Maybe it was the wine, or the lonely nights at the cottage that caused my sudden lapse in self control, but for a few moments I allowed myself to forget everything that had happened… just so I could feel his comfort again. I rested my head softly on his shoulder and felt his small sigh as his fingers caressed my skin under the blanket. My body relaxed as my heartbeat slowed.

As I drifted to sleep I wondered if it was possible for us to find a way back to each other.

* * *

I blinked wearily to a strange sound coming from the other room. I vaguely remembered falling asleep with my head on Bucky’s shoulder, and him carrying me to my bed. I heard the noise again – this time it was louder and longer. I sat up rubbing my eyes. With a surge of panic, I realized that the noise was coming from Bucky’s room and, more importantly, that it was Bucky. I jumped out of my bed and made my way to the hallway. As I pushed his bedroom door open the sight caused my breath to catch in my throat.

“Y/N,” he called wearily as Nat held him to her.

“Oh… I’m… Okay…” I muttered as I spun on my heel and quickly retreated. I could hear Bucky get up from the bed and follow me. I didn’t want to go back to my room so I walked the long hall to the elevator – hopeful that I could get the doors to close before Bucky could catch up. I was just in luck – I pushed the button to the rooftop balcony as the doors closed on Bucky’s panic-stricken face. I sighed with a sudden surge of relief.

“FRIDAY,” I said to the empty elevator.

“Yes, Ms. Y/N?” FRIDAY responded.

“Don’t let Sargent Barnes know where I am,” I responded flatly.

“Yes, Ms. Y/N.”

Stark Tower was expansive. With any luck Bucky would give up his search and go back to his room – giving me time to think. I wearily dragged my feet as I exited the elevator. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. So this was it – after all this time, after all of my running – I had never been able to admit to myself that I wanted to come back to Bucky and make everything okay…. but now in the face of losing him to someone else, I could? My heart sank as I laid myself on the couch in the sunroom that overlooked the New York City skyline. I felt miserable as tears spilled over my swollen eyelids. For some reason what I had just witnessed seemed like a bigger betrayal than Bucky not telling me about Nat in the first place. It was intimate and personal – something that I had always helped him with, and in the span of a week I had been replaced. I hugged myself tightly as I laid on the couch and cried myself to sleep.

 


	9. Part Nine

I felt the couch shift slightly as someone sat beside me. I immediately knew who it was, and I was happy to act like I was sleeping until the end of time to avoid him. “Y/N,” Bucky whispered softly as he placed his hand on my back. I stiffened at the contact.

“Don’t,” I snapped as I sat up and looked at him. I could tell it was nearing the early dawn hours by the soft yellow light that flooded through the windows.

“Please doll,” he whispered as he placed his hand back in his lap. “I didn’t ask for her to be there. I told her to leave right before you came in,” he explained – desperation dripping from his voice.

“Don’t you get it?” I laughed as I hastily wiped tears away from my eyes. “You did ask for it, Bucky. You slept with her and kept it a secret before breaking it off…” I paused for a moment before turning to him. “Did you even really break it off or were you seeing her when you started spending time with me?” The words sounded much more accusatory than I had meant for them to be.

Bucky blinked for a moment – shocked at the words that had come out of my mouth – before anger flashed across his face. “For Christ’s sake, Y/N! If you would just let me explain what happened!” he answered, exasperated, as he slammed his fist onto the couch.

“I think I can sum it up quite nicely. You fucked my best friend, and kept it a secret from everyone on the team. You then broke it off with her— knowing that she had feelings for you, and began pursuing me. You then did the exact same thing to me,” I muttered bitterly as I looked anywhere but at him.

“Except I didn’t break it off with you – you ran away. Off to some place that I couldn’t find, and refused to talk to anyone. And then when I called to apologize you told me it’s over, and hung up. Let’s not forget about the sister I never knew existed.” Bucky was becoming more agitated by the minute as he struggled to reign in his emotions.

“I didn’t tell you about her because I was trying to protect her!” I shouted as I angrily pushed myself off the couch.

“And why won’t you believe me when I tell you the same thing?” he asked as with a sad sigh. His anger had deflated and he was grappling for words as he ran his hands through his hair nervously. The sight of him looking so helpless and confused disarmed me and I felt my own anger ebb. All the things that Steve had confided in me about Bucky’s happiness and subsequent withdrawal after I had left came flooding back. I sat down beside him softly.

“When did you start having nightmares again?” I asked quietly. In the months that we had been together he rarely had nightmares, and even when he did they were no where close to what he had had tonight.

“Since you left,” he responded just as quietly.

“I’m sorry I left. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do. I should have stayed and talked to you…. I missed you,” I added as I rested my hand over his.

“Then nothing else matters. It’s all in the past. We can move forward,” he responded fiercely as he gazed up into my eyes.

His words echoed back to those of another, who had once said the the same thing—holding me captive with the promise of a better tomorrow for years. I could feel the chill creep into my heart again as I quickly removed my hand and watched Bucky’s face melt into confusion. “It does matter and you know it,” I responded brutally.

“Why? Why can’t we talk about this and move on from it?” Bucky pleaded.

“Because I love you!” I yelled at him as I pushed off the couch once again. I froze at my sudden announcement. I hadn’t meant to say it – I had just been trying to reason my feelings out in my mind and it had slipped through. I looked at Bucky as he sat frozen on the couch. His mouth opened and closed several times; unable to formulate any type of response to me. I turned to leave – it was like I was living my own personal nightmare. I had prepared for this revelation as best as I could, but I had failed miserably in its delivery.

“Y/N, wait,” Bucky breathed as his hand wrapped around my arm – stopping me in my tracks. I turned to look at him again, but still saw the same troubled and terrified blue eyes that I had witnessed when I had accidentally confessed my feelings. “I…”

“Just tell me this Bucky – why did your best friend have to come find me in secret? Why wasn’t it you?” I asked bitterly as tears stung my eyes. Bucky looked down at the ground unable to answer me. “Jesus Christ – I can’t stay here and look at you like this,” I muttered as I yanked my arm from his grasp and turned to leave. As I stepped into the elevator I turned to make sure he wasn’t following me and saw him standing in the same spot I had left him. Just before the doors closed he turned to look at me with tears in his eyes.

* * *

I slumped against the wall of the elevator once the doors had closed. I felt like I had had the breath knocked out of me. Tears trailed down my cheeks as I tried desperately to regain my composure. Some of the others would be awake by now and I didn’t want to stir any suspicion. I couldn’t answer their questions – no matter how well intended they might be.

As the elevator doors opened to the common room I rushed through them – determined to dart to my room. In my panic I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings and ran into Steve.

“Woah, Y/N! Where’s the fire?” he chuckled. The humor in his eyes extinguished when he looked at my bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. “What happened?”

“I…” I was finding it hard to speak, and keep my composure. “I walked in on Nat comforting Bucky after a nightmare and I…” Steve visibly tensed at this.

“Go on,” he said as he wrapped his arms around me and brought my head to his chest.

“I… he followed me, and I confronted him… and… I told him I loved him,” I whispered as I buried my head into Steve’s chest. I just wanted to disappear. “And he didn’t say anything, Steve… He just stood there.”

“Y/N,” Bucky’s voice came from behind me. I stiffened at the sound. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. Steve hugged me tight as he sighed into my hair.

“Y/N, you should head back to your room. I’ll come check on you in a second,” Steve muttered. I looked up at him confused.

“Steve, I can…” but the look he gave me stopped me in my tracks. I swallowed hard before Steve’s arms dropped to his side and I half-turned defensively towards Bucky.

“Y/N, I…” but Bucky’s words were halted by Steve’s fist hitting him straight in the jaw. He blinked once before falling to his knees. He stared at me as I turned to leave.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Steve asked angrily as I retreated to my room – unwilling to participate in a super soldier brawl.

* * *

I slumped back to rest my head on my door. I was dizzy from the tale-spin of emotions that I had just endured. I heard Bucky trudge down the hallway with Steve close behind him.

“What are you doing?!” Steve demanded before a door slammed – securing both men safely in Bucky’s room, and making it less likely that they would wake up the entire tower.

“What am I doing?!” Bucky bellowed back. “I’m trying to win my girl back, and you keep getting in the way Rogers!”

“What the hell are you talking about Buck?” Steve asked – astonishment driving his voice to become even louder.

“Every time I turn around you are there with her. How am I supposed to even get a second to make things right when you are always there?!” Bucky yelled back at him before quieting himself – he must have regained enough sense to realize I could hear everything he was saying.

“You’re kidding, right? You don’t need my help fucking things up, Buck. You’re doing great on your own,” Steve answered incredulously. I could tell that Steve was trying to regain control of his anger but was struggling. “She literally ran away from you, and you refused to run after her. If it wasn’t for me she wouldn’t even be here, you fucking idiot!”

Silence lapsed between the two men as I held my breath – waiting for Bucky’s response. There was of course no way I could have known that Bucky would snap and run full force towards his best friend. Suddenly there was a loud crash and a cloud of debris as the two men came hurtling through the wall –Bucky with his hands still around Steve’s throat. I shrieked in response as I scrambled off of my bed and into the corner of the room as the two men crashed onto the floor. They rolled around – jabbing at one another and grunting. After the initial shock wore off I looked at the gaping hole that now adorned my bedroom wall, and felt anger bubble up from within me.

“What the fuck do you two think you’re doing?!” I screeched as I stomped over to the two of them and fruitlessly attempted to pry them apart. The men continued to fight as I yelled at them. Hot angry tears rolled from my eyes as they finally broke apart – realizing suddenly where they were and what they were doing.

Bucky scrambled to his feet quickly – his hair in disarray and he shirt partially torn. “Doll I am so..”

“What the fuck gives you the right to act like fucking two-year olds? Both of you are grown ass men! God! Just get out of my room!” I yelled as I stomped my foot in frustration. Without saying another word both men quickly exited. I groaned as I looked at the gaping hole in the wall near my bed. As Bucky entered his own room I realized there was no way I could stay. Not without seeing him, and hearing him every second – I angrily padded across the room, and grabbed my gym bag before making my way to the gym.


	10. Part Ten

As my fist connected with the punching bag I felt a sense of relief. I tried not to envision Bucky’s face over and over, but the truth was – I had moved from heartbreak to anger after his behavior with Steve. My hands ached slightly as I continued my work.

“You’re probably going to regret not taping those up,” Nat’s voice floated quietly from behind me. I sighed heavily. Could no one in this fucking tower leave me alone for two seconds? Running away was becoming a much more desirable solution to my problems by the minute.

“What do you want, Nat?” I asked evenly as I continued to maneuver around the punching bag.

“To talk,” she responded quietly.

I steadied the bag with my hands as I laughed. “Everyone in this fucking tower seems to want to talk to me today, and you know what? I’m just not in a very talkative mood if I’m going to be completely honest. And why the fuck would you think I would want to talk to you?” I responded angrily as I turned towards her.

“I’m sorry,” she said clearly and loudly. The response disarmed me for a moment – I wasn’t planning on this being the conversation we were going to have.

“Sorry for what?” I stuttered back as I flexed my aching fingers.

“For what I said about Barnes…. For what I said about you. I was completely out of line.”

“It seemed like you didn’t care at the time,” I responded bitterly. I wasn’t ready to kiss and make up with anyone – especially her.

“I was… I was cruel and I’m so sorry. I was hurt by what he did, and I was angry at you which was unfair, but Y/N… he… Bucky loves you,” she responded sincerely as she walked towards me. Her last words hit me so heavily that I flinched at the sound of them.

“Did he put you up to this? Or are you just someone else that is trying to speak on his behalf when he could obviously not give a damn?” I asked bitterly as I crossed my arms in front of me.

“It’s your name,” she whispered.

“What?”

“It’s your name he calls out in his sleep. Every night since he’s gotten back.”

I bit my bottom lip nervously at this. “Have they been bad?” I asked – my tone deflating with my anger.

“The worst I’ve seen in years,” she added as she sighed. “Look…. Barnes – he may have trouble telling you… but it’s clear that he’s terrified to lose you.”

“Thanks,” I muttered bitterly as I turned on my heel and headed for the showers.

* * *

The rest of the day was luckily uneventful for the most part. I had promised Wanda that I would take her shopping and she had held me to that promise – cornering me as soon as I had exited the shower. For the most part it was a happy distraction from an otherwise miserable day until she forced me to go into Victoria’s Secret.

“Y/N, come on. Surely Barnes is a lingerie man?” Wanda asked as she quirked an eyebrow up in question.

I laughed nervously. Bucky and I had only had sex once before everything fell apart. I had no idea what kind of “man” he was nor did I really care to think about it at the moment. “I don’t really know Wanda… I just…”

“Oh come on – we’re here. You might as well look,” she urged. I sighed internally. Why had I agreed to even come in the first place? In the end it was at least better than awkwardly staring at Bucky through the gaping hole in the wall of my bedroom.

“Fine,” I muttered bitterly as I snatched the black lingerie set out of Wanda’s hands and stomped towards the dressing room.

* * *

As the elevator doors opened my nostrils were filled with the smell of something delicious cooking. Wanda had dragged me around at least half of the city throughout the day. My stomach growled at the smell. I was ready to eat and sleep.

“Hey!” Sam called to us from the couch in the common room. “You guys have fun?”

“Lots!” Wanda exclaimed as she walked quickly over to the couch to show Sam everything she had found – of course he would feign interest just for her. Sam had always had a soft spot for Wanda. I was determined to try to quickly get to my room to deposit my own bags – especially the one holding the lingerie that Wanda had demanded I buy.

“What about you, Y/N?” Sam called over. At the mention of my name Bucky’s head peeked from around the corner leading to the kitchen – his eyes immediately zoning in on the pink striped bag. He may have been a man out of time, but he sure as hell was a man and knew immediately what the bag contained. His faced became clouded with confusion as his eyes met mine. “Y/N?” Sam asked again loudly – making me jump. I immediately blushed and caught a glimmer of humor in Bucky’s eyes as I turned to Sam.

“Yeah it was fun,” I muttered as I quickly made my way back to my room.

* * *

When I rejoined everyone they were making their way to the dining room. 

“What’s for dinner? It smells amazing,” I asked Sam.

“Dunno – Barnes cooked it,” he shrugged. This peaked my interest – typically Bucky was exempt from making meals unless he volunteered, which he never did.

As we walked into the dinning room my breath hitched in my throat. He had made the meal he had prepared on our first date – complete with homemade breadsticks. I couldn’t help the small smile that spread across my face. As I took in the room my eyes finally found Bucky’s the corners of which crinkled subtly. It was clear by the look on his face that he had done this for me. What Bucky failed at with words he excelled in by actions. We all sat around the table and quickly set to forking food onto our plates. I sat next to Sam and Steve again, but Bucky sat directly in front of me –always keeping his eyes trained on me to assess my reactions. Everything about the meal was wonderful and for the first time since my arrival I felt carefree.

“Y/N – Barnes, we’re keeping you off this mission. Everyone leaves tomorrow morning so try not to break anything else,” Tony said sardonically as he looked at Bucky. At this announcement I almost choked on my wine.

“Everyone?” I asked.

“Yes everyone,” Tony replied matter-of-factly.

“Can I inquire as to why Bucky and I are the only two people that aren’t needed on this mission?” I asked as I tried to keep the panic out of my voice.

Tony shrugged at this. “Just see it as being able to spend some quality time together. Also concerning the wall— perhaps we should just remove it since you two are… you know,” Tony quirked an eyebrow at this. This time I did choke – causing Bucky to look at me in surprise. This was obviously Tony’s way of telling us to fix our shit because he wasn’t going to deal with it anymore. “Anyways – what is everyone up for tonight? Other than watching  _The Hangover_ ,” he added as Sam opened his mouth to speak.

“Maybe we could watch  _Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind_?” Bucky asked as he looked at me. Sam immediately moaned at the suggestion and I elbowed him in the ribs.

“Come on Sam. It’s my favorite movie and we haven’t watched it in forever!” I protested.

“Okay fine!” He whined in response.

“Well that’s settled then,” Tony announced as he rose from the table.

* * *

I sat on the couch waiting for Bucky to turn up before we started the movie. I felt like the day had made a dramatic shift for me. Each of Bucky’s actions had been carefully calculated to show how much he cared without crossing a line. I kept reminding myself that I still needed to be cautious. It seemed like every time I let myself have a tender moment with him something happened to further the hurt he had caused, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was different. Maybe it was the meal or him offering up my favorite movie to the group even though its story made him uncomfortable. Maybe it was hearing what he told Steve as they argued this morning…. or maybe it was Nat’s apology and revelation about the return of Bucky’s nightmares.

“You’re going to chew that thing off,” Bucky remarked as he looked at me with an amused grin. I jumped at the sound of his voice – I had been lost in thought waging my internal debate as I chewed on my bottom lip. He chuckled softly to himself before handing me my favorite blanket. As he settled down beside me I spread the blanket over both of us. He didn’t put his arm around me this time— rather settling for placing his hand near my own. As the movie started Bucky’s fingers curled lightly around my own causing me to wince. “What’s wrong?” he whispered.

“It’s nothing,” I grimaced as I mentally kicked myself for not taping my hands before practice. Bucky gently pulled my hand from under the blanket and examined it closely. My knuckles were certainly bruised. After shooting me a disapproving look he returned both of our hands back under the blanket. His hand took mine and began to expertly and gently massage each knuckle. I found his touch was still as intoxicating as the first time he had laced his fingers with mine.

Suddenly the movie paused and I looked around confused. Everyone was getting up to leave except for the two of us. “Where are you—” I began to ask but Tony cut me off.

“We all have to be up in the early morning hours. We’re going to call it a night, but you two should continue,” he said as a small smile formed on his face. “Goodnight,” he added with a wave before strolling out of the room. Everyone else said their goodnights and made their way to their rooms leaving just Bucky and myself.

“This feels like a set up,” I snorted indignantly as I stretched out on the couch. Bucky chuckled quietly at this. The tension between us was still uneasy, but no longer explosive. “Should we finish the movie?” I asked as I grabbed a pillow that Sam had tossed onto the floor and placed it beside Bucky before laying down. “I know you hate it,” I added.

“I don’t hate it, and even if I did – I would do anything to make you happy,” he replied, smiling sadly at me as he brushed the hair from my face. When I looked into his eyes I wanted so badly to forget about the last week, to forget about the things that we had both said and done that caused so much hurt, to kiss him and tell him we would be okay, but I knew if things were to ever improve we would have to have the talk that we had been skirting around – even during our more explosive interactions. And now wasn’t the time.

“Okay then it’s settled,” I responded with a grin as I grabbed the remote from where Tony had left it and hit play to resume the movie.


	11. Part 11

“I can’t imagine someone wanting to do something so stupid,” Bucky muttered to himself sometime later.

“Hm?” I whispered sleepily as I looked up at Bucky. He had been playing with my hair which had caused my sleepiness to progress throughout the movie.

“I just… I mean… To willingly allow someone to mess with your mind. To take your memories away… I don’t get it,” he scoffed as he continued staring at the television.

“Some people have to forget – the pain is just too great for them,” I shrugged as I sat– allowing me to get a better look at Bucky. He swallowed hard at this – peeling his eyes away from the television to look at me.

“Do you feel that way?” The question was almost inaudible he spoke it so softly.

“There have been times,” I nodded my head as he stiffened at my response. “But the way I look at it is pain is just the absence of the thing you loved. It’s the plight of being a human. In the end we feel pain and we cause pain, because we aren’t permanent. Nothing lasts forever. The more we love – the deeper the joy – the deeper the pain. Every single one of us knows this to be true, but we still try to run from it…. We still try to prevent disaster and by doing so…”

“We create our own pain,” Bucky muttered as he looked at me sadly.

“Precisely,” I agreed as I laid my head back on my pillow. “But for what it’s worth – I’d always take the pain for the happiness I’ve had in my life,” I added and I swore for a moment I could see a grin begin to spread across Bucky’s face.

* * *

“Y/N,” Bucky whispered softly into my ear.

“Mmm,” I exhaled. His breath was warm on my cheek – making my tired mind swirl in different directions. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his lips to mine. It was at this moment that I woke up enough to realize what I was doing. My arms fell from Bucky’s neck and he immediately pulled away from me.

“I… the… um… the movie is over. I know how you hate sleeping on the couch so I… sorry,” he answered flustered. It was clear that the entire exchange had caught him off guard. I could feel my face flush as I sat up quickly.

“Oh… um… yeah… well goodnight then,” I rambled awkwardly before quickly getting up from the couch and stumbling down the hallway. Bucky followed at a leisurely pace behind me. I sighed as I reached my door – I needed to sleep and forget this had ever happened – or die from embarrassment. I didn’t really care which happened at this point.

“Y/N, wait,” Bucky said hesitantly as my hand hovered over the doorknob.

“Yeah Buck?” I asked – a little flustered from my actions.

“I was wondering if you were free tomorrow… I wanted to take you somewhere…”

“Um… let me think about it and I’ll let you know,” I whispered before opening the door and stepping inside. “Goodnight, Bucky,” I whispered softly.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” he replied before I shut the door. I sighed as I made my way across my room – shedding my clothes as I went. I couldn’t believe that I had kissed Bucky. After everything that had happened my mind was able – during its most vulnerable time – to reach out to him for comfort. The worst part was I wanted more, but I was still angry at him and even more angry at myself for my reaction towards him. It had been just this morning when he had brought me to tears as he stood motionless after I had told him I loved him. I huffed angrily at myself as I removed my bra and flung it towards my dresser before retrieving my robe. I froze – completely naked – in terror when the sight of the gaping hole in the wall broke my internal monologue. Through it I could see Bucky – frozen in place as he watched me. It was clear that I had gotten his attention. I quickly covered up before heading to my bed and burying myself under the covers. How could I forget about the huge fucking hole in my wall? I sighed as I turned on my side – taking the opportunity to peek from under the covers towards the hole where I could clearly see Bucky laying on his side staring at me. I smiled at this and he smiled in return. I kept my eyes on fixed him until I finally drifted to sleep.

* * *

“Y/N,” a gentle voice called to me. I muttered uneasily as I tossed back and forth. My chest felt as if it was weighed down by lead, and I panted for air. With a sudden surge of panic, I woke. “Shh… it’s okay – it was just a nightmare,” Bucky soothed quietly as he smoothed my hair away from my face. I looked around the room wildly until my eyes met his. I wanted to only feel comfort when I saw him, but I still felt gnawing anxiety racing through my body. I blinked as I stared at him wearily.

“What time is it?” I whispered.

“Early morning— I couldn’t sleep, and I heard you so I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he answered wearily as he began to rise to his feet.

“Wait,” I whispered hesitantly as I slid my hand over his. “Would you…. Stay?”

“Sure, doll,” he whispered as he slid into the bed bedside me.  He gathered me in his arms like he used to do every night. The sudden wave of comfort was almost overwhelming. With my head on his chest I could hear his heart racing – the proximity of our bodies to one another was having an obvious effect on him as well. The sound made me smile into his chest.

“Goodnight Bucky,” I whispered softly as I closed my tired eyes.

“Goodnight, doll,” he whispered into my hair before planting a soft kiss on the top of my head.

* * *

I stretched wearily as I opened my eyes to be greeted by the morning light. As I turned I half-expected to see Bucky laying beside me— instead the bed was empty. My heart sank. Maybe I had been riding such a wave of emotions yesterday between our fight, and some-what reconciliation that I had misunderstood what it meant. When I had fallen asleep last night I was sure that something had rekindled between us. I sighed to myself in frustration as I stared at the ceiling. I reminded myself that it was probably for the best as I began to sulk in my self-imposed misery.

“You’re awake,” Bucky’s voice drifted from the door. I looked over to see him leaning on the doorway as he watched me.

“How long have you been there?” I asked skeptically as I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Long enough to know you were mad that I wasn’t still there,” he added playfully with a smirk. “But it’s all for good reason. How do you feel about a bit of an adventure today?”

His levity caught me off guard and I couldn’t help but smile at him. “Sure,” I agreed as I sat up and stretched wearily again. Bucky’s eyes suddenly darkened. “What?” I asked as I stifled a yawn.

“Doll, you better close up that robe before I help you take it off completely,” he chuckled as he shook his head. Red crept up my cheeks as I looked at my somewhat exposed chest before pulling the robe tightly to me. Bucky continued to chuckle to himself as he turned and left the room. Once he was safely out of earshot I let out a soft chuckle – maybe today would be the start of a new chapter. He certainly acted as if it was a possibility, and I found myself hopeful for what the day had in store for us.


	12. Part 12

“Bucky, where are we going?” I asked breathlessly as we exited the subway station.

“Patience is a virtue, doll,” he smirked as he looked at me. I chuckled to myself as I shook my head – when Bucky set his mind to something it was next to impossible to get him to budge on it. He casually caught my hand in his and laced his metal fingers delicately between mine. “This is nice,” he sighed to himself as he gave me another smile.

“Yes – it is,” I smiled back.

We walked in silence through the Brooklyn streets until Bucky stopped in front of a Starbucks. “Here we are,” he announced as his face lit up with excitement.

“Buck… did you bring me all the way to Brooklyn to come to Starbucks? There’s literally at least three within walking distance of the tower,” I said bewildered. Bucky wasn’t a huge fan of fancy coffee drinks – I always pointed out that his inner grumpy old man came out when I ordered a Frappuccino.  

He snorted at my bewildered face. “No doll – this is where I lived until I left for the war. Not the Starbucks obviously – but the building,” he answered as he motioned towards the building in front of us. “I lived right up there with my folks,” he explained as he pointed towards the second floor.

“Oh wow,” I murmured – mainly to myself. Bucky had never been much of an open book about his past. I had never pushed him, because I knew it was painful for him to remember all the things he had lost.

Bucky looked down at me and smiled. “It wasn’t much, but it was home. Steve got beat up down that alleyway, and that one, oh and over there too,” he explained as he pointed to the various areas. “Honestly, now that I think of it – Steve probably got beat up everywhere in a two-mile radius. He was such a little shit,” he chuckled to himself. “We would play on this street when we were kids,” he smiled to himself before turning to me again. He could read the lingering questions so clearly on my face. “Let’s go – I have a few more places I would like us to visit,” he whispered into my ear as he grabbed my hand once again.

I followed beside him as we walked several blocks to a nearby cemetery. Bucky seemed to know the path like the back of his hand. As we neared a small hill we parted from the paved walkway and maneuvered through the tombstones. Bucky slowed to a stop in front of a newer stone. “I had it replaced when I came back to New York,” he explained to me as he looked at the stone. “I thought I owed it to them.” As I looked at the stone I read the names of Bucky’s parents with their respective dates of birth and death.

“It’s beautiful,” I whispered as I kneeled beside the stone to wipe away a wayward leaf that had rested upon it. “The daisies?” I asked as I looked at the fresh daisies adorning the grave.

Bucky shrugged sadly. “They always reminded me of my mom. She loved flowers. I bring a new batch by weekly,” he explained as he kneeled beside me.

“They’re beautiful,” I murmured as I traced my fingers softly on the petals.

“My biggest regret is knowing that they died thinking I had died a hero,” Bucky added as he placed his hand affectionately on the stone. “It’s better they didn’t know the truth, but I feel like I failed them in so many ways.”

I placed my hand softly on Bucky’s as I watched the emotions play out on his face. “Bucky, they would have loved you regardless. It was never your fault,” I whispered as I laced my fingers between his.

A ghost of a smile pulled at the corners of his lips. “My mother would have loved you. I wish she had been alive to meet you,” he whispered softly as he looked at me – affectionately tucking my hair behind my ear.

I swallowed hard at this. “Bucky, why are you…” but he cut me off.

“You said you loved me,” he remarked as he returned his attention to the stone.

“Yes,” I whispered softly.

“And yet you know nothing about me, because I was too afraid to share my past with anyone but Steve. If you’re set on loving me – you deserve to see all of me. When I didn’t respond the other day –it wasn’t because I didn’t feel the same…” he explained as he stared intently at the stone. Before I could respond he stood up and offered me his hand. “Come on, there’s someone I want you to meet,” he said as he pulled me up beside him.

* * *

A thirty-minute cab drive later I found myself standing in front of a memory care facility with my hand secured in Bucky’s. I stared at him inquisitively but this time he did not return my gaze—instead he led me into the large brick building where we strolled up to a solid oak reception desk. The woman working at the desk looked up and, upon seeing Bucky, smiled warmly. “Good Morning, Mr. Barnes. She’s been asking for you,” she replied sweetly. Bucky nodded his head in acknowledgement as he led me from the desk down a long hallway. I followed him silently to a room at the very end of the hall.

“James, is that you?” the woman laying in the bed asked as she turned her eyes away from the television.

“It’s me, Rebecca,” he answered softly as he walked to the side of the bed and kissed the top of the woman’s head. I immediately saw the striking resemblance between the two even though one was so young and the other towards the end of her life. I watched silently at the softness that overtook Bucky’s features as he interacted with her – seemingly forgetting my presence in the room.

“And who is this?” the woman asked as she turned her head politely towards me. Before Bucky or I could respond she continued. “Y/N, I presume?” she asked with an eye-crinkling smile – the same as the one that sometimes graced Bucky’s face. I nodded my head – forgetting how to speak for a moment.

“Y/N, this is my baby sister, Rebecca,” Bucky explained as he looked at the woman affectionately.

“Tsh! I’m not so much of a baby anymore,” she added good-humoredly. “It is quite nice to meet you, Y/N. I have heard so much about you.”

“It’s nice to meet you as well,” I beamed as I neared the side of her bed.

* * *

We spent most of the day with Rebecca – talking and laughing. As is the case with most family, she had some embarrassing stories to tell about a much younger Bucky that caused him to snort and roll his eyes while dishing it back. It seemed normal – natural even. I hadn’t known about Rebecca, but I understood why. She was one of the last links that Bucky had to his old life – one of the last shreds of normalcy, and she was incredibly important to him. I couldn’t be mad at him for keeping her a secret – I understood the importance of a sister.

“You know – he thinks he’s a bad man,” Rebecca remarked after Bucky had left us alone so he could speak with her doctors. “I’ve tried to convince him for years that he isn’t, but he’s too stubborn.”

“I know – once he has his mind set on something it seems damn near impossible to convince him otherwise,” I remarked sadly. I felt the warmth of her hand over mine and looked at her.

“You’ve changed him,” she added with a smile.

“Me? How?” I asked shocked. Bucky had kept our relationship a secret from even his best friend until very recently. If Steve couldn’t tell – how could she?

“He never smiled until a few months ago. I hounded him until he finally told me about you. He talks about you constantly. Some days it’s all we would talk about. He loves you.”

“How can you tell?” I asked nervously.

“I’ve been around a long time, dear, and I’ve seen all types of love. When you see it – you just know. It’s the genuine article, but he’s too damn stubborn for his own good. He’ll never think he’s the right man for you… but I can tell by the way you look at him that you love him too. You’ll have to fight for him… you’ll have to lay yourself bare and vulnerable, but when you do you won’t regret it. Trust me,” she added with a soft squeeze of my hand and a warm smile. “Now if you’ll excuse me – I think this old woman needs to use the facilities,” she blushed as she pushed herself up from the bed and used her nearby walker to aid her as she walked out of the room.

I mulled over the things she said. Was is possible? Could we both be so stubborn that we were sacrificing our happiness in the process? Or were we both just scared? We had both suffered so much loss in our lives – could either of us risk falling in love and being left brokenhearted? “Where’s Rebecca?” Bucky’s voice floated through the room causing me to jump.

“Oh she went to the restroom. Is everything okay?” I asked noting the concern on his face.

“I’m not sure,” he muttered before disappearing back out into the hall. I sat in puzzled silence as I waited for the two to return. Suddenly I heard Rebecca’s voice from the hall.

“Where is this?! Who are you? I want to go home!” she yelled. The desperation and confusion in her voice caused me to jump from my seat and run into the hallway where I found Bucky, with the aid of a wheelchair, returning her to her room. “Who are you?” she demanded of me as she stared at me blankly.

“Stay here,” Bucky whispered as he rolled the chair back into the room – followed by several nurses.

Bucky emerged from the room several minutes later, and immediately bee-lined to me. “Are you okay?” he asked softly as he reached for my hand.

 “Are you?” I answered. I could tell by his changed demeanor that he wasn’t. “The… the doctors said that the disease is progressing. Today was one of the best days she’s had in awhile… and they’re likely to get fewer and farther between,” he paused as he looked over his shoulder sadly. “Let’s go home,” he finally muttered as he wrapped his arm around me.

As we left the facility in silence I began to understand just how hard it was for Bucky to allow himself to be so vulnerable, and I decided it was time for me to do the same.

 


	13. Part 13

We rode in silence back to Stark tower. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I found myself unable to say any of them. As I stared out the window of the cab I reflected on all the things that Bucky had shared with me. He had been right – I hadn’t known much about him in so many ways. His past, his parents, and his sister had all seemed like distant things to me, but they were as much a part of him as I was now. I bit my lip nervously as my fingers wrapped around his – which hesitantly did the same.  We continued our way in silence – the simple contact saying all the things our lips dared not.

* * *

As the elevator doors to the compound open I finally built up my resolve enough to speak. “Bucky – today… it… I never knew… Thank you for showing me,” I said softly as I placed my hand on his chest. He remained silent as he turned to face a large stack of papers and notebooks on the table in the common room.

“There’s more,” he added softly as he led the way to the table. He grabbed the stacks and turned to face me. “You’ve seen the human side of me. The side that I’m most terrified of losing. Now you need to see the other side of me… the monster I was for so many years,” he explained sadly as he handed the stacks to me. He lifted a hand to stop me as I opened my mouth in protest. “You need to understand why you deserve so much more than me,” he explained before walking off to leave me with the weight of his past before me.

I decided to go somewhere other than my room, given the gaping hole in the wall that separated Bucky’s room from my own, to sort through Bucky’s past. As I opened the first folder I smiled to myself at the picture of a young Bucky in his military uniform. I traced my fingers over the yellowed paper affectionately as I wondered what it would have been like to meet him then. My smile quickly faded as I read over what followed. Fury had managed to scrape together most of H.Y.D.R.A.’s notes regarding the experiments done on Bucky. I felt sick to my stomach as I continued to read the doctor’s notes line by line. Of course that was nothing compared to what came after the experiments. Before me was the story of Bucky as H.Y.D.R.A. would have had it told. The faces of each victim – their story, and the story of their ending stared back at me from the pages. They were from all walks of life, and no doubt met a fearful handing at the hands of the man I loved.

I finally put the last of the pile down as the New York sky was melting into dusk. I knew Bucky wouldn’t want my pity, and I tried to swallow it, but found it damn near impossible to get rid of. All those years – those years of fighting to hold on to who he was, and subsequently having his memories altered to the point of being nothing more than a machine. I brushed the tears from my eyes as I shuddered at the thought. He had never talked about it – not more than in passing. Of course I had always known that it was worse than he let on, but I had never let myself fully imagine what it had been like. Once again, it was something in an obscure past that I hadn’t been a part of, and Bucky was right, to truly love someone you had to be able to see all of them. I swallowed thickly before pushing off my chair to search for him.

* * *

I found him sitting in the dark of his room with his head in his hands. He seemed taken aback when he looked up to see me entering in the room, but quickly reigned in his emotions. “Done so soon?” he asked flatly as he looked away from me. “I didn’t even expect you to come in and tell me…”

I halted in front of him. It took me a moment to realize that Bucky had resigned himself into believing that I would leave him after knowing the details of his past. “Bucky,” I began softly but he cut me off.

“Look it’s fine. It’s a lot to handle. I can’t handle it – I don’t know why I even thought…” he stopped as I crouched down in front of him, placing my hand on his.

“Bucky, will you just shut up so I can talk?” I asked softly. He nodded in silence as he looked down at me. “I will never be able to truly understand the things you went through. No one will. But those things don’t make me feel any different about you. If anything they showed me how remarkable of a man you are to still be here, and to be capable of so much love.” At this he smiled sadly as he brushed my hair from my eyes with his free hand.

“Ever the optimist – one day that optimism is going to get you killed doll,” he replied softly as he caressed my face. I grimaced at this – causing his brows to knit together in confusion. “What is it?” he asked – an edge of worry in his voice.

“It’s my turn to show you me – all of me,” I added softly as I leaned forward to kiss him. His lips were soft but strong – holding their own as the kiss continued. It felt as if I had finally made my way home after a long journey.  As Bucky’s hands moved down my body softly, I slowly broke away from the kiss. He looked at me puzzled as I stood. “Pack your bags Barnes – I’m taking you home,” I added before leaving his room to do the same.

* * *

Bucky needed to see that he wasn’t the only one with ghosts. Mine still haunted me to the point that they nearly tore me away from him completely. As I walked to my bedroom his words echoed in my mind, “Ever the optimist – one day that optimism is going to get you killed…” Little did he know how close he was to being right.

 


	14. Part 14

Bucky stared at me intently as I stared awkwardly at the flames of the fire. “Nick lied to everyone to protect me. I asked him to,” I said matter-of-factly as my gaze drifted from the fire to meet Bucky’s eyes.

“Why?” he asked taken aback by my sudden bluntness. “What could be worse than my past?”

“I got on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s radar due to a very colorful rap sheet. I was smart, and I was bored… Instead of applying myself and working towards getting into college I was constantly finding ways to get myself in trouble. But it wasn’t just S.H.I.E.L.D. that showed an interest in me…” I explained as I broke my gaze from Bucky’s. Silence fell between us before Bucky finally spoke.

“H.Y.D.R.A.,” he whispered softly. It wasn’t a question as he suddenly realized why I was so hesitant to reveal my past to him.

“Yes,” I added – carefully training my eyes to look anywhere other than Bucky’s face. “You see… joining S.H.I.E.L.D. wasn’t so much something I wanted as it was a necessity after H.Y.D.R.A. threatened my family. Nick promise me they would be safe…” I added before trailing off again. I hadn’t spoken to anyone about this in the years after it had happened. I thought that somehow saying the words out loud would make it easier for me – but I was wrong. “But it didn’t matter…” I added quietly as I felt my nails biting into my palms. I had been clenching my fists without even realizing it.

“Y/N…” Bucky’s voice was soft as he moved closer to me – his warmth immediately radiating around me. I blinked as the sound broke my temporary stupor. “You’re shivering,” he added just as softly as he pulled me into him – little did he know that the shaking wasn’t from the cold.

I felt my resolve shatter as I laid my head on Bucky’s shoulder. I was still surprisingly tired, and the idea of continuing the conversation made me feel queasy. As if he immediately picked up on my sudden unwillingness to talk more, Bucky rose slowly before helping me to my feet. “It’s late – we can talk later when you’re ready,” he added as his knuckles brushed lightly against my cheek. “Let’s go to bed,” he added as he pulled open the door and followed me into the house.

As we neared the bedroom I became hyper-aware of Bucky’s proximity. Maybe it was the relief of revealing my partial truth , but being able to pause from having to say the worst, that made my pulse quicken as he closed the bedroom door behind him. I clumsily shed my pants and shirt – completely aware of Bucky’s eyes scanning every inch of me. I quickly dressed, and Bucky busied himself with preparing for bed – though I could tell it was just a distraction to keep from looking at me.

As we both burrowed under the covers we turned to look at one another. We laid there in silence for quite some time before Bucky spoke. “You know it isn’t your fault, right?” he said matter-of-factly as his hand reached up to brush the loose hair from my face.

“What isn’t?” I asked confused.

“Whatever happened to your family – it wasn’t your fault. All of us – we didn’t have a say in how things turned out for us,” he added reassuringly.

I laughed bitterly as I turned to lay on my back and stare at the ceiling. “I wish it was that easy. I wish I could believe that, but I can’t,” I muttered. We laid there in uncomfortable silence until I finally succumbed to sleep.

I woke up covered in sweat – my chest constricting uncomfortably as the sheets stuck to my skin. I hadn’t dreamed about the incident in years – talking about it… even thinking about it had brought it all back to the forefront of my mind. I had done so good at pushing my past to the deepest recesses of my mind that now I found myself unable to cope with it.

I quietly scooted out of the bed – careful to not wake Bucky – and slipped out into the living room. I desperately wanted to go back to sleep, but found it impossible to stop moving as I paced back and forth in front of the empty fireplace. With a sigh I decided to focus my nervous energy on building a fire.

My hands shook with anxiety as both my heart and head raced forwards and backwards in time as I sat on the couch – watching the flames of the newly built fire flicker up the stone fireplace. As I began to wonder if it was possible to live in the past and the present at the same time I felt the couch shift below me – temporarily snapping my attention back to the present. This time he offered no words of wisdom – opting to join me in my silent musings. The one thing you could always count on was Bucky not pushing you to talk about the things that had fucked you up in your past.

The silence finally gave me the courage to speak. “Alexander Pierce,” I began – the name made Bucky shift uncomfortably on the couch. Of course he knew more about the real Alexander Pierce than I ever wished to know. “He said that I showed great potential. I was one of very few S.H.I.E.L.D operatives to be selected by both Pierce and Fury to be part of a very secret very specialized taskforce. That’s where I met Erick. He was handsome, and intelligent. I told myself we were coworkers and nothing more, but sometimes those lines begin to blur when you spend every waking hour with someone. The changes in my feelings towards him were subtle enough that I was taken by surprise when I finally realized how I felt. I knew better – I had a rule against it, but I let myself get caught up in the feeling of it all. For a year everything progressed into what most people would consider a normal relationship. He met my family, we moved in together, and we talked about our future. My happiness… it made me sloppy… until one day Erick was a little too careless and left a burner cellphone in the nightstand by the bed. After that I slowly started putting bits and pieces together. I had missed a lot out of willful ignorance, but I refused to turn my back on the truth. Every second of the day I played my part and I kept it up for the better part of six months until…” I broke off into silence. I had been talking linearly – taking Bucky through the story without thinking about the part that he was in.

“Until?” he asked quietly – not moving from his place on the couch.

“Until Pierce called the Winter Solider in to assassinate Nick Fury,” I said evenly as Bucky inhaled sharply.


End file.
